It may be the merriest time of year for some, but for countless others, the holidays can be a time of great sadness and stress. There’s music playing, crowds bustling, events everywhere, and the sometimes-overwhelming pressure for cheer. We see the Hallmark movies highlighting Christmas miracles, scroll past the posts of smiling families on social media, and maybe we wince inside instead of caroling along.
I hope you don’t need this article. I hope this article is not for you. I hope your life is so filled with blessings and abundance that you can’t imagine feeling anything, but joyous this time of year. But somehow, I have a little feeling that many of us do need these permissions or will at some season in our lives. And I hope I can bring you some comfort then if that happens.
Perhaps 2022 was not your year. And that may even be a huge understatement for how difficult it was. There’s a wide variety of reasons that this may be the case, from loss to longing, to mental health stressors and financial hardships. Do you need some help getting through the season of lights and sleigh bells? I’ve been there and, in addition to my solidarity and the virtual hug that I send you, these are some words I can offer.
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Be gentle with yourself.
If you struggle with this, give yourself the advice you would give a friend or loved one. Try to treat yourself with that same kindness and understanding that you offer to others. Do you need to take a mental health day from work? Are you home with your kiddos and need a day in bed? Give yourself the grace to put on the T.V. and have cereal for dinner. Show up empty handed to the party and don’t contribute to the constant passing of the hat this time. It’s really okay to only do the things you actually have the capacity to do. No one would want you to twist yourself into a pretzel just for the sake of keeping up appearances.
Say no.
Oof, this one is powerful. I cringe even as I write it. We’ve learned to be pleasers, to go along to get along. Consider this time as the balance. I’m sure you are a person who says “yes!” whenever you can. You’ll do it again, I promise you. Let someone else step up now whether it’s to bake the class cookies, host the family, or show up at the party. They will, and if they don’t - it will be okay too.
Do something unexpected.
The year we lost my brother we had margaritas and fajitas for Thanksgiving dinner. We went to Bermuda for a rainy Christmas with no promise of snow. It may not have taken the pain away, but it did take us out of our usual traditions during a time where it was too acutely painful to notice who was not at the table with us. You don’t have to get on a plane to escape, but you can change up the company you keep and location of celebrations if it helps you.
Try new traditions.
If your heart or your wallet can’t continue with an old way of doing something, it’s a great time to reinvent your family pastimes. Gifts of doing, or experience gifts, can help your family both financially and when the mental load is too heavy. For example, I love to go for walks, and I most love doing them with my family. They are good for me physically, mentally, and even spiritually. Without being asked, this is what my family offered me for my birthday because all too often there are complaints of the weather, or the time, or the call of the television. Could you ask for coffee in the mornings? The opportunity to visit someone you love?
Remember that this too shall pass.
The hour, the day, the season. It will pass. You will not always feel the way you do at this moment. Things may not always be as unbearable, as overwhelming or as difficult as they are now. Breathe through the hard parts. The scenery, the mood, the time will pass.
Move a muscle, change a mood.
If taking the more passive path of acceptance and deep breathing is not for you right now, make the moment pass by getting up and getting moving. As I said, I always default to walking - it’s my way to cope with anxiety and sadness, but it’s also the way I find peace and happiness. Do what works for you whether it’s something physical such as running or lifting weights, something spiritual such as meditating or going to a service, something comforting like a movie or a meal - when you feel stuck in a moment, get up and get out of it. Make the change happen yourself.
Try transparency.
So often we want to hide the less than pleasant feelings from others. I’ve often been pleasantly surprised by speaking my truth and making quick connections with others that feel the same way. Something as simple as, “I’m not feeling the holiday spirit this year,” or “This year has been very difficult for our family” can break down barriers. You’ll find more people understand than you may think. And if they don’t, at least you will have been true to yourself without minimizing or denying what is your reality this season.
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Experience the feelings.
Yell. Or cry. Or laugh. Be ridiculous and inappropriate and lose your composure if you feel the need to. We spend so much time trying to match the emotions of others or masking how we are truly feeling - whether it’s “chin up,” “putting on a brave face,” “walking it off,” - it’s exhausting. Expressing your feelings is critical to processing them. We have a range of emotions for a reason, and we have outlets for them too. Let the tears come if they will. Let the laughter bubble if it’s there.
Do something for someone else.
And I’m not talking about running for a cup of milk when your toddler beckons you too or cleaning your tween daughter’s bedroom - I mean write a letter to someone that is on your mind, shop for a toy for that toy drive and picture the recipient, make extra for dinner and bring it to a friend. The times when I have felt the crummiest are the times when I have found reaching out to others to share some kindness has helped the most. As a school administrator, the job was demanding and a whirlwind of stressors. On my worst days, I’d write thank you cards or emails of appreciation or recognition to staff members and parents. It never failed to pick me up. The act of taking a mental inventory of people and actions I was grateful for, the mental distraction and hands-on nature of putting thanks into words, and the unexpected lift it gave others made a difference in my mood.
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Find others that feel the same way.
These people can be your friends or your family, someone you used to know that you’ve recently seen is going through something similar, or a blogger or social media presence. I read a blog written by a woman whose siblings I went to school with, and it has helped me profoundly. I also follow people on Instagram who have struggled with anxiety, lost loved ones, and experienced infertility and pregnancy loss. Find your people and go to them when you need to, whether you actually know them, or their reel makes you feel seen.
However, you choose to acknowledge these holidays I wish you gentle days now and better days ahead.
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